5 years

I just realized that it I never made a post last year for the anniversary of Collin's passing and I feel pretty bad about that. Of course we never forget to honor Collin at this time. I may have not made a post but we still gather in his name around this time of year to visit his grave site and pray before heading out to his old job for dinner followed by a "Collin appropriate movie."

I can't lie and say that it hurts just as much every day as much as it did back then. When it first happened, the pain was almost unbearable and the tears flowed every day for many days. As they say though, time heals all wounds and while I don't think I'll ever feel completely fine about Collin not being around, I don't feel those sharp emotional pains nearly as often as I used to. However when this time of year comes, much of that pain does return and I start to wish all over again that I had more time with Collin. I wish he was still here with us. I wish I could still stop by his house and watch movies or play some Xbox. I wish we could sit and down some Killian's Irish Red together. I wish he could have known my sons, the first of whom was born just about a day after Collin's funeral. Mostly I wish we could have him back just long enough for him to know how much he meant to all of us. I sometimes find myself wandering in thought going down roads where I feel I can somehow will it all to be different. As if I could look hard enough and somehow find him alive and with us again. Then reality draws me back and I realize how ridiculous I'm being. And that's when my throat closes up and the tears flow all over again.

Why can I not let go? I'm not quite sure but I think it's mostly because I don't want to. The pain of missing him somehow makes him feel closer and so I'd rather be subject to that pain than to feel nothing for him.

I stopped at the cemetery again today since it's the actual anniversary date and I met Collin's brother Kevin there. We've never spoken before so it was really good to talk to him and get his perspective and thoughts on things. Of course, as I expected, the pain he and the rest of the family have felt dwarfs mine. I feel selfish for even feeling as bad as I do in comparison. Despite the pain it was still good to hear what he had to say. It felt like I was learning a little more about Collin even though he's gone.

Home In Christ

Wandering and lost I am shut out
Shut out from warmth
Shut out from love
My breath drifts around me-a smoking pall
In the drifting rain
Falling into the darkness at another dark road.
Until I decide to stop-
Wiping a wet hand down my wet face-
And look-look into the night
Just look, until I see the light-
The candle glow haloing the dim wooden frame.
Right there all the time-calling me
Calling me home.
I go to the flickering glow
The warm white light.
I knock at the door
And it opens without a sound.
And I am welcome.

Author: Collin Michael Kiernan

"stay Grimm, my young apprentice"


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